get inside me

Before i begin what this was meant for i wonder why i have not written anything. i dont think that its a writers block or a lack of inspiration. verses have been leaking out of my pores but i keep wiping them away instead of writing them down. im not sure why possibly i feel pressured at this point. in other news a wrote a poem the other day and now am sitting down to write this...

i walk through the halls of my house gazing out the window and the sudden darkness it has leaked upon my living room. the kitchen has been victim to the same shade and it is 530. i rememeber these times distinctly since i guess what my early teens? when i was a lost spoiled brat of twelve? lol everyone says 13 is so hormonal, bitchy, different, changing and when i was 13 i was like yea right that shit doesnt happen until youre like 17. but now that im 17 and i look back to the girl i was at 13 i was most definitly a bratty, hormonal preteen who was mad at the world. but thats another post. anyway .... always this same time of year, the same look and the same feeling. always alone, but with comfort and excitment. the distant feel of love and warmth while alone in my own cave. where everyone has gone that i dont know, but always i find myself here: pondering the same questions, feeling the darkness through the doors, and illuminated with the light of dusk. again how my writing goes on tangents again how hard it is to express this unique aura.

i do believe its time for twitter

in another news halloween was kind of dissappointing. i was nowhere near wasted as i would have liked to have been and even though i looked incredibly hot and my costume looked awesome, there was no one to impress ! besides the dumb drunk losers in dwntwn west palm but all in all it was a cluster fuck. a black cloud has sort of moved over my life in the last two three months or so. quite strange. also whats quite strange is that its novemeber, meaning the next month is december. again im stuck trying to keep up with my day and time has slipped away again. i recieved my acceptance letter from mizzou today, in addition to a 4,000 a year scholarship. happy i am. strange that this time next year ill be there. when everyone was here it didnt seem so bad, leaving. but now that all my closest friends are scattered across the state missouri seems so much farther and staying here with them seems so much...god more comforting. but i know if i go to um i will not do my homework and my mind will be here. its the best, i need to get as far away from this town as possible, and orlando and tally arent the answer. *sigh*

im going to try to teach myself gee-tar . holler !

ILl have to admit I'm quite a lost and confused child. I was about to write lonely but I stopped myself, and now rethinking it I believe it may be true being the course of my actions.

Jesus christ my mind pace runs so rapidly and how quick my ideas change

As I start this entry I realize its not the place that will actually give me what I need.. And begining that sentence I intended to end the entry but now I've decided to continue

I just found out today I start school the seventeeth, not the twenty forth like every other public school loser. SO lame. I've had the mind set for the last two weeks I had two weeks left.. And I was rudely awoken tonight. But its whatever.

I made a decision tonight I didn't think I'd actually make.. And technically I haven't really done it yet but I do believe I will


Gosh I have so much to fucking do this week

i decided to come write because just now again i found myself staring into oblivion, considering my options and accomplishing nothing.

theres a bunch of things i need or want to do right now, that i havent started or made anymode to do. i would like food but i would have to get delivery.

and i need to call st thomas as well as sign up for an sat/act prep class


ohh jeeeezzz


and some point get my application ready for missouri !

subject: "For old times sake"

for old times sake
Current mood: nostalgic
ironically enough my default is one of my favorite pictures from last summer...


its so weird i dont know why i actually have such a large knot in my stomach and deep lump in my throat


basically when my house got robbed in the begining of the school year last year, by the time we got our shit back we had new laptops so carly had my old one. a lot of pictures from the end of the summer and my old itunes with all my old playlists from sophmore year were on it as well as the pictures from the la trip last year that i needed to scrap book so my mom made me get it and charge it up and get the pictures onto my extended harddrive..

so i just got it fired up and i dont know man just so much is washing over me its strange... im finally going to be a senior. that whole childhood ive been pushing away my whole life is actually gone now... that was it, eighteen years. i mean its not over yet i still have one more year, but its pretty much over. at the end of the summer all of my friends are leaving including my sister. my other sister has moved in with her boyfriend and well ever since then things havent really been the same anyway. i guess i just always felt we would go back to the family we once were but strangely enough instead of the mold staying open, bleeding for life and crying for its piece... just moved together and closed the gap, moving into a whole new mold no one recognized or discerned for that matter.
the spring break playlist really is choking me up (im such a fag) but that was when i dont know everything was just breaking open. life was so much fun lol. and from then it continued on into the summer with a crashing stop in august with junior year beginning.. aka hell.

i miss when olivia didnt have a car and it would just be me and her riding in my car, blasting little wayne or junkie xl or benny benassi through the streets of weston and davie. when id waste twenty dollars on half a tank every day and a half because i was always back and forth . i miss carly before she was on blues and oh my god writing that just made me cry, i miss when she was one of my best friends also with ashley and olivia. i remember one night last summer olivia passed out and carly and i stayed up all night and my parents actually woke up before we went to bed. and i just remember laughing with them in the kitchen and falling asleep with my best friends. after what happened this year carly can never be the same in my eyes, but i dont mean that she just wont go back to the person she was. she let it all finally sink in and take her over.

i miss nicks old apt and the advice i used to get from him and ashley


and now im here and im nearly halfway through this summer. ashley and i always joke that we're still lost in last summer and in some way i feel that we may be. in other ways i just feel that this is just a feeling that occurs always in my life when there is change. i constantly find myself reminsicing the past and wishing for a person i "used" to be and a life i used to live. Its quite possible that around this time next year i will be writing a similar blog and if not feeling quite the same. its hard to say.

looking back the only thing i see is maturity. everytime i do something like this or just think of myself, i feel ive reached all points of maturity, growth and understanding and nothing will sway that. and everytime i look back a year to a person i was, naturally i see huge growth. its ironic that willie tonight was making fun of me saying he brings out "the young in me" and now im writing this blog. some jumbled columns in my head clicked straight sometime between sophomore year and now. im not quite sure what it was, and in some ways it still isnt straight.

i wrote the paragraph below me before this but i decided i did need to get this out and write it. i believe it quite possible for the summer to still have plenty of potential and has not started quite yet.


well my pictures are done moving onto the harddrive and im going to get these old playlists on here before that silly computer dies.

jeez this was long.

god i want my best friends back

So I've finally held my word and didn't come home after I said I wouldn't. Mother and I got into it and dad got dragged in and all hell broke loose.

At some point I ended up spraining my finger..
I finally taped it up today.

I won't go back until I'm apologized to, but being passed from friend to friend kinda sucks

But its all good, I'm at ashleys. She doesn't get off work till eleve
n

I'm sitting down at her pool enjoying what's left of the day, listening to my ipod and trying to relax.

My dad just called trying to work things out, there's nothing that can ever be worked out they just don't get it

I just want to ask my mom why she's putting me through the same shit her dad put her through.. But I can't


Ah well.. Hopefully they get it soon.

....Till then

she just told me how it was 100 degrees in ftl today, and that was the highest recorded temperature in florida since august 1944. not june 1944.... august.


the subject is what i simply responded to her


so anyway im enjoying letting my ipod ride , keeping my laptop on my pullout bed and just grungin out with myself


ash and i accomplished little to nothing today, of course

but i have to say i couldnt wake up to a happier 4 text messsages


its quite nice,... everything

i just wish i had some more energy and that dane would text me back, im trying to go to moes tonight with them and id like to catch a ride with them

if im planning on taking an add i will not be planning on moes so im debating. i wish guy wasnt working at roccos today and i could just go chill

is it only monday


wowzers

i kinda feel like layin on the beach and watchin the sunset or something with my ipod

but with like a fat ass blunt or soemthing, that i dont have


dane answer my calls
life give me energy
and something exciting to do tonight


i wish my room didnt get so dirty so quickly

i probably wouldve blogged more but a good portion of this week was spent in a comatose i really just kind of am recovering from completely now.

wednesday i do not remember lol
thursday was better but not quite
and friday was good, with the help of my powerful pink friend

and today ive worked from 7 am to 1. that sucked waking up early, but it didnt go as bad as it could have, i made it to starbucks and to work on time.

kind of a boring blog, im really stoned. and mad at dane. im always mad about something and he never cares and it just continues and like i dont know its almost as if im mad just because ive been mad so long lol and nothing ever gets solved so its just turned into a kind of general hate i suppose


talking with gino at work was fun, interesting he is . need to watch the stuff he gave me and gather some info for some possible editorials.

im thinking of taking a nap because im yet to catch up on my sleep from this weeks events

i want what i want to happen, to happen, and stop remaining in some bubble of elusive possibilities and opportunites that always fall short.

lol i think i actually mean it this time

i blogged all the time on myspace and now that ive switched to facebook i was disappointed to find that there was no place to blog. i kept looking and found shit. and theres so much im always wanting to, i guess.. blog? lol so yeah here we go.


today what i wanted to say is that

i cant fucking wait to just write everysingle thought that will not escape my mind

and make it beautiful

brand new lj.

hopefully ill stick to this one =]

feel free to add me <3